My Dear Bessie Read online

  I cannot advise you on personal hygiene, and I am not going to presume to discuss the anatomical problems or marital difficulties. First of all, I am not competent to do so, secondly I should find it difficult to do so by letter. You will be silly not to see a doctor if you think he would assist. I should do so myself in similar circumstances.

  I am a bit puzzled, too, about where we are to live. I hope to goodness that we escape Clerkenwell, or some such place, but it’s a possibility. You’ll be partner, assistant, follower, in turn, and I shall be very happy to perform for you as occasion demands. I have learnt much from you, and I am very ready to spend the rest of my time learning more. Remember, everything is mutual, and what we give we take back from the other, in some wonderful, satisfying fashion.

  I can, when all is said, say no more than I LOVE YOU.

  Chris

  3 November 1944

  Yesterday, I received a LC No. 47, and Geology for Beginners. Thank you for both. I am afraid that Geology will be a closed book to me for a little while yet, but my glance through the book confirms your intelligent choice of it, and when the hubbub has died down I hope to spend some useful hours learning from it. The scenery in this ‘verdant suburb’ is wonderful. Pine is the predominating tree, but there are many others. The earth is golden brown but the mountains look grey, black, red, white, most exciting, inviting us to visit them soon. I omitted to tell you of my move into the present billet, a very high class hotel in peacetime. Room 95, 4th floor, holds me (and my brother) at present. We have beds, mattresses, wardrobe, washbasin, table, two chairs, mirrors, bath (only cold water) across the corridor, lavatory a few doors away. The climb up is a little irksome, but I suppose Heaven itself would need some getting into. The floors are tiled, very easy to sweep and wash. It is easily the best billet I have ever been in. All the chaps are in the same position, two to a room. You would have needed plenty of money to stop here in peacetime and I am not worried by the fact that only a few days before I commenced to use it, my mattress was nightly the cause of a German having a good night’s sleep.

  Of course I shall wear the socks – and with pleasure and thanks. But no more or your eyes will be playing you games.

  Ignore the news of early war’s end, then if it does, you’ll get a pleasant surprise. Japan, I believe, is immensely powerful.

  I love you.

  Chris

  7 November 1944

  Dear Bessie,

  I hope you are not too horribly downcast and depressed at the form of my present letters. I hope you understand the newness and difference of things and that you will realise that in a little while I shall be settled down and more demonstrably attentive. Tonight, though, I am feeling a proper old crock, as I caught a cold yesterday and have a sore throat, running nose, etc., for almost the first time since I left England. You know what a hot-lipped, running-nosed, fuzzy-wuzzy-ed feeling one gets in England. I have it tonight, and oh my goodness, how I would like you to be my nurse!

  I believe that coffee and cocoa are still not rationed in England. Could you, do you think, send me a quantity of both? We visit three families regularly and two others irregularly. I think I would like about two lbs of coffee and a pound of cocoa sent to me to present to them, I can split it amongst them. If you can get a firm to send it (there was a place by the Monument) it may be better. Register it, if possible, please. You may think this a funny request, but do you know these people have not had cocoa, tea or coffee for nearly four years. We have been able to take a few spoonfuls to a couple of them – they think it ‘delicious’.

  I love you.

  Chris

  12 November 1944

  My Dearest,

  The British Authorities have now announced stabilisation of the currency here, at 600 to the £1. Any of the old drachma issued by the Germans can be exchanged, at the fair price of 39 billion drachma to the £1. (39,000,000,000,000.) Soon we shall be able to buy fairly easily and know that the people are aware of the value of money.

  All that I want to do now is to come and comfort you, to tell you the flying bombs and V2 rockets need not frighten you, that together we shall always be safe. I want to tell you that nothing can stop our union and our joining, our loving and our living together. I think I am more pleased now about your willingness to be a piece of furniture. You know that it is not that I shall ever treat you as such, it is that I want your complete trust, that you repose your full confidence in me to do as I will.

  I hope to let you have some coherent account of Greece later. But for the moment, I am still in the overwhelmed state. The scenery is grand, everything is green and fresh, even to the little girls who spy you coming, rush to you with a little posy, and then run quickly away to watch you walk away with them.

  No, I have not told my brother, or anyone, about my relationship with you. He must be most well informed concerning the number of letters that pass between us, and probably he wonders. But I shall not tell anyone. I suppose you had to tell Lil Hale.

  Only little girls have wanted to kiss me. I do not get in the way of older females. In the nearby town there are many prostitutes. My Greek is much less limited than it was, although I do not swear that my pronunciations are always perfect.

  I love you.

  Chris

  16 November 1944

  My Dearest,

  I am impatient to receive your second handkerchief. That is what I must tell you before I go on to ordinary, trivial things. I want to smell it; I want to squeeze it in my hand; I want to press my lips to it. And I want you to know that I am doing it, proudly, gratefully, happily and in love of you. I have today sent some sultanas, and so on. But – what is the good of me mentioning anything but this great feeling I have for you now, will have for always.

  I love you.

  Chris

  30 November 1944

  Dear Bessie,

  What a triumph for you with the pancakes! I wish I could have shared it, there and then. Did you have the lemon with them or are they long ago consumed?

  Thanks for your good work with the cocoa and coffee. I am sure it will be appreciated by the Greeks, and you know that I appreciate it, appreciate you.

  I am not a football fan, I am sorry to say. I have a far better idea of what constitutes ‘off side’ than you have, but I do not think I could pass as an expert before your Dad and Wilfred. The only knowledge of teams I have is of The Arsenal – my local team when I was a boy, and I could talk for a long time about Jock Rutherford’s bald head. You can tell me all about football. I shall not tell you much!

  I hope you are feeling well and not too unhappy. These rockets must be shaking everyone, but I hope you will be as brave as usual, and that they will not interfere with your sleep too much.

  Remember that you are mine, that I want, that I love you.

  Chris

  5 December 1944

  Dearest,

  I do not like you to say you feel I am going to lecture you. I do want you to think of me as one who is fully entitled to discuss all that you do, in the same way that I am very happy to discuss my thoughts and actions with you. If you place any restrictions or reservations upon our interchanges you are saying we are two, not one. And it has pleased me to think that we were one. We cannot explain your actions by flying-rocket bombs or a cold you may have. I think you had better read all my letters, all over again! Anyhow, I sent you yesterday a green envelope, returning your handkerchief. I hope you will accept this as symbolic of my needs, intentions and desires.

  I am sorry the elastic has no present purpose with you, perhaps it would be handy for someone at your office who has a baby nephew, like we have. My sister says it is very good and we have just sent her about 10 yards of it.

  Regarding your cookery programme. I have no doubt you’ll be alright. I reckon I’d be alright myself after the slight Army training in independence that I have had. It could be a fair idea to buy a cookery book if you feel you need one, and I should get a second-hand one for preference
. But you should certainly be doing some cooking now. I know that if I was back home I should want to ‘have a go’ at things, although probably only while the novelty lasted.

  Tell me you believe. Do not worry about present happenings. I am perfectly safe, and like yourself, perfectly superfluous to the situation.

  I love you.

  Chris

  The socialist-led anti-Nazi resistance movement EAM, and its military wing ELAS, had won control of most of Greece, apart from the large cities. This led to civil war between EAM and the right-wing, royalist EDES party. Churchill was alarmed at the prospect of communist rule, and with the return of George Papandreou and the British forces, confrontation with EAM seemed inevitable. After 15 communist protesters were shot dead, fighting broke out between ELAS and the British on 3 December. Chris Barker would soon be involved.

  * Several of Chris’s letters from this period contemplate his possible future placements once victory in Europe was achieved, which now seemed likely. He was clearly under no illusions that the defeat of the Germans would mean an immediate return.

  5

  Untapped Resources

  27 WOOLACOMBE RD

  LONDON SE3

  6 December 1944

  Dearest,

  So very worried about what is happening in Greece. On the news tonight, it spoke of it spreading and seems to have become a battle, my worst suspicions of what the British Army went to Greece for are fulfilled. I don’t know how this is affecting you and whether the ordinary people are involved. Of course you won’t be able to tell me much, I can only just hope for your safety. Your safety – oh Darling! The trouble seems to be centred in Athens, and you spoke of visiting it, so I presume you aren’t billeted there. We should have them to settle their own troubles. We will regain the name of perfidious Albion again before this war is through.

  Darling, I have no complaints about your letters, I am too happy that it is my body that you want, that occupies your thoughts. If you didn’t write and tell me these things, I should suspect you of being interested in somebody else’s body; you keep concentrating on mine, my breasts, my vital vibrant spot, my hands and my desires. You are mine, mine, mine, and don’t you forget it, don’t you ever forget it. I don’t understand what the greater significance of a Greek engagement is, but ours has the greatest significance for me, no Greek one could be greater, you are mine, MINE, MINE – to have and to hold until death do us part. You are my husband to be, my glory, my heaven, my hell, we will ride this life together, if you were here now I’d bust your braces, you tantalising lover, Greek engagements! Greater significance! POOH!!!!

  Well, I am glad you have 4 blankets to keep you warm, if I was there you wouldn’t want any, you’d be hot enough. Here am I, a blooming iceberg of a maiden waiting to be roused into a fire, not just melted but changed into a fire, and there are you, miles and miles away, needing an extra blanket.

  During this last month I have reached rock bottom, I now feel something like a convalescent – no longer need a nurse, Christopher, I need the whole vital man in you, your strength, your energy, when, when, when will you make me a whole woman, when will I be done with this frustration, when? Stunted growth, that’s what I am suffering from! My body is stunted, my affections are stunted, even my blooming mind suffers from this incompleteness. I want to be your mistress, to be used to the uttermost, I want to fuss you, look after you, I want to be your companion in arms – away with depressions, fed-upness, waiting. Angel, I want to feel human, I am so sick of being a cold, haughty virgin. Crikey, talk about untapped resources. Why did I have to find the man of my life in the middle of a blooming desert, who then goes on a Cook’s tour and then gets himself into a hot spot of trouble. Oh Christopher, I do hope you’ll be alright.

  ‘My apprenticeship’ – books, books, books, I am sick of those too; I want to live, live with you, oh! Why couldn’t you have come home instead of going to Greece, why can’t I come out to Greece, so that I could stand in the way of any stray bullets.

  Write poetry to me Chris? You have already written poetry to me, music as well, I doubt whether you could surpass it, it isn’t easy to express these things in words, but you have done it, you have moved me, right down, down to the foundations, you have accomplished what I shouldn’t have thought was possible, you have opened a vision of a new world, a new experience for me, I cannot help but be so very very grateful to you. With that in front of me, I can overcome my black moods and rise up again and know that this life is worth the living. Oh Christopher I do adore you so.

  Pancakes, yes we had your lemons with them, that was why I made them. I rather think your lemons helped to get rid of my cold, maybe your letters as well. All those things help, you know, the lemons on the practical side, and the letters on the mental side.

  Thank you for the sultanas which are on the way, I do feel considered, my thoughtful lover, such a nice sensation. You don’t know what a relief it is to have a pair of slippers, I have been wearing my shoes in the house, it was wretched not having anything to slip my feet in, you know, for when you get out of bed, after a bath, for evenings.

  Football – well, I shan’t be able to tell you anything either, I don’t exactly dote on sports, activities of the mind have always appealed to me more, thank goodness I shan’t have to watch you perform on the playing fields, you seem to have plenty of outlets for your energy without that.

  I had to giggle about my ‘bravery’ in bombed London. I live here, work here, and there isn’t anything else to do but live here and work here, and like most things up to a point, you get used to it. It’s one’s low resources that one has to be brave about, all one’s usual aches and pains get you down easily, any extra effort tires you out, but as we are all in the same boat, that isn’t so bad as it sounds, it’s communal you know, makes a difference, besides the battle fronts sound so much worse, I concentrate on that when I feel pathetic. I shall be concentrating on Greece, can’t help it, the situation sounds so much worse, the news tonight says civil war.

  Darling I love you, love you, so very much.

  Bessie

  A portrait Bessie sent to Chris in Libya in 1944

  8 December 1944

  My Darling,

  The stop-press of tonight’s evening paper says it is quieter in Athens today, that ELAS have contacted the government today, I hope this is true. It is horribly difficult for us to get at the truth, Churchill calls them rebels trying to enforce a communist dictatorship, but the New Statesman says they represent the people. Whatever has happened, it has caused a shock in this country, but not enough to do any good, Greece will still be ruled from here by Churchill and co. When is Churchill genuine and when is he a humbug – is it necessary for us to enforce order? Feel very unhappy about it, fighting the Greeks sounds too awful, wicked. I hope all is well with you and our Greek friends. You said you were going to give me the family trees of the families you visit.

  The weather sounds lovely there, whereas here, well – ! It tried to snow today, horribly cold. I don’t know whether I told you that I bought a pair of lined boots (getting all prepared for the worst). I wore them yesterday and it wasn’t necessary, and didn’t today when it was. What is a girl to do in this climate, had cold feet all day. Very breezy these luxury flats – we have such a palatial entrance hall and carpeted stairs, but inside the flat, it’s bare boards, the lavatory is always going wrong, and the water in the bowl won’t run away – luxury?

  Feel very worried about all those depressing letter cards that you are receiving, or are about to receive, my conscience besmites me, I didn’t oughta have done it, I didn’t. I wonder what your receiving mood is like, I do hope it’s full of beans despite all the present trouble.

  Our Xmas cake has been taken out of my hands. Iris’s sister Doris is going to make it, she is rather an expert. I had thought my last effort was rather good, I took Iris up a piece and she said so, and she is quite a good critic because she likes cake. Beyond this our interest in Xmas is nil. I
am working Xmas day. Xmas is a family time, children’s time, I expect you will enjoy yourself in Greece with your friends’ families, anyway I hope you will be able to.

  Am just listening to the 9 o’clock news and it’s most disheartening, it says it’s spreading not slackening. Oh Dear Christopher! I really can’t think of anything else, Darling, I do really want to be cheerful, but it’s so blooming difficult. Xmas! And you out there. I love you, I love you, I love you, and my heart is aching, it is so lonely and desolate without you. My mind keeps going into such flights of fancy on how to get to you, from stowing away on a ship, to applying to the war office, so blooming silly, but it does get so bad sometimes.

  I went to see The Circle, John Gielgud’s production, a play by Somerset Maugham, didn’t think much of it, so was glad you couldn’t come. Lil Hale wasn’t very impressed either and she is rather keen on Gielgud’s acting. To me he seemed such a milk and water specimen, no fire, no life in him, just a beautiful voice, too too cultured. I think I have got a bit choosy over the theatre. Have seen some really fine plays during the war. My standard has got a bit high.